So.

This is what pisses me off about weddings. And maybe this is just a rant I need to do every 5-7 weeks. I'm not a weddings girl, so I never had even thought about weddings in terms of me. The most I've ever thought about a wedding is when I'm sitting watching one happen. "Oh look!" I think, "A wedding." And then it's over and so are my thoughts on the subject.

But now that Z and I are getting married, I have to think about them. It's now like my full time job to think about them. People expect me to have answers and to just bring those answers to them like clockwork. And just when I think I'm doing OK, WHAM! Out of no where comes a leveler.

It's like the engagement ring. I never gave a damn about expensive, sparkly jewelry, and then in the matter of weeks I'm suppose to just turn around, suddenly have opinions on the matter and both make suggestions and know what questions are relevant. Engagement ring shopping is not fun. Don't let people tell you otherwise. It's only fun in stories and movies where you don't actually have to feel the sales lady trying to push something on you. But it was a really annoying process and one I'm glad I did b/c this ring is something I will cherish forever.

But back to weddings. Weddings are either about you or they are about everyone around you. I'm beginning to think they can't be both. And maybe that's just b/c the guest list is the one thing we are sticking on, so for us it's about us. And I know you're thinking, "Well it should be." And no one disagrees with this in principle. It's easy for people to say it and believe it, theoretically. I will probably say it after, like childbirth, the pain of this whole experience is erased by Darwinian chemicals in my brain. But right now. Right this minute when I don't have hindsight to ease the discomfort I'm causing those around me. Right now it sucks.

That's all I got. More later. Back to my actual paying job.

*****Update (an hour later) *********
A lot of this is still true. But the emotions are better. Thank GOD.