Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Expectations on Both Sides

I've often talked here about wedding expectations and how I wish there weren't so many on a bride and groom, but I also wish there weren't so many on the guests. People feel like they have to go to  wedding if they are invited. They feel bad and unsupportive if they can't go. The only excuse for missing a wedding? Another wedding. Or maybe illness. Work isn't an excuse. Just not wanting to travel across the country isn't an excuse either. Unless you're really old. Then you're kind of thrown in the sick category.

But just as I wish brides didn't feel obligations, I wish guests didn't either. I wish, for example, I could somehow let my Grandmother know that if she really feels like she can't leave her dogs for a weekend, then she shouldn't leave her dogs. (We set a zero tolerance for dogs at the wedding after learning a thing or two at my brother's wedding.) Plane travel is really tough on her and she's at the point in her life where her pets are everything. I think she's using this as an excuse not to come and I wish instead of needing an excuse she could just say, "You know what? I'm old. I enjoy my dogs' company more than a bunch of people I don't know. I'm staying in San Francisco."  I won't harbor resentment about her not attending. I know she loves me. That doesn't change b/c she doesn't want to be uncomfortable for a weekend.

Just like I wish I could tell my Uncle that if he really doesn't think he'll have a good time, then he shouldn't come either. But I'm not saying it in that end-all-be-all way, like "FINE! Well then DON'T come! See if I care!" Not in the childlike slamming of doors way. I just know that a person's regard for me is not directly related to whether they can or can't to rearrange their life (a busy complicated life) to attend something that is 9 out of 10 times really quite awkward. A wedding is a symbol. I get that. But it shouldn't be a symbol that comes with two big guys who might rough you up if you're not in the folding chair come 6:30pm Aug 14th.

2 comments:

  1. Yay, no dogs!

    Boo, no grandma.

    But you make really good arguments and points. I think you see this quite differently than most people, and I think pulling the tradition out of most people is hard...I'm not sure I could be as serene as you when the time comes...Please help me with that. Especially this part: "I just know that a person's regard for me is not directly related to whether they can or can't to rearrange their life (a busy complicated life) to attend something that is 9 out of 10 times really quite awkward."

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  2. Well, it's kind of like a piece of steak can't fathom being ground beef before it's been thrown through a meat grinder.

    OK, that made no sense but I'm leaving it.

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